Unfolding a new year

Every man should be born again on the first day of January. Start with a fresh page. Take up one hole more in the buckle if necessary, or let down one, according to circumstances; but on the first of January let every man gird himself once more, with his face to the front, and take no interest in the things that were and are past.

- Henry Ward Beecher

As is fairly obvious by now, I've been examing Self for a few days now. Normally I don't do new year resolutions other than vague notions of 'losing weigh, looking after health, doing more exercise, save money, travel more'.

This year, however, is a different year. I've never been in these circumstances before, never been diagnosed with depression before (even though the past few years it's clear it was building up). I always thought I felt sad because I was unsatisfied with my lot, that I could be happier if I was more social, lost weight, saved more money etc, hence the vague resolutions.

But those resolutions were never kept. For one, I had no willpower. I was lethargic and felt it was just all too damn hard. I got spurts of determination but spurts aren't enough, determination needs to be consistent.

This year I'm going to do the following. If I succeed, great. If I fall, I'll just get up, learn and try again.

1. Obviously the first thing on my mind is to stop lashing out irrationally at those close to me, who don't deserve it. If I feel angry, WALK AWAY and ask why I'm feeling angry. Often I'm not angry at anything in particular but my head is such and I'm still trying to come to grips with this new landscape that I feel a sense of "WHY FUCKING ME?!?" It would be so much easier if it all went away, of course, but it's not going to, it's here and it's high time to learn to cope, strategise, deal with it.


2. Learn to stand on my own two feet and be independent again. I used to be so independent - emotionally and mentally. Perhaps I isolated myself a bit too much at times, but I was independent. Now I need to distinguish between dependency on someone and independency. I have to remember how to do that and I'm confident I will. At the same time, I must not isolate myself again.


3. I never really did like talking to a shrink that much. I felt no connection. It was helpful - to a point but I was never fully comfortable because they were complete strangers. I need a connection, know something about the person behind their profession. Unless I can find a shrink who reveals some personal side of her/himself, I may have to seek alternatives such as massages to relieve tension and stress. I'll keep searching.


4. It's no big secret that mental health is closely related to physical health. So, yes, it's really time to do the whole bloody diet and exercise thing. For real. I eat relatively well (except when hot chips are present) but I lack exercise. Now I'm back in Brisbane, I'll start swimming again in the communal pool. Start walking again. I used to do a lot of walking but in the past year that died away as parts of me felt like dying.


5. I know many friends and family are going to laugh at this one but I must get into a better sleeping pattern. With more exercise, I will sleep better - that was always the case with me. Nowadays I lie awake and can't turn my brain off. I need to do relaxing exercises that the last shrink taught me and switch my brain off. If I'm thinking of something too much, I'll jot them down in a note book so that I can get it out of my system for the night (it's incredible how writing down things, even in point form, helps). Earlier nights (except weekends!) and earlier mornings (also except weekends!).

That's all I'm going to aim for, for now. I don't want to set such high expectations because they're unrealistic. Baby steps. Get back on track again. I've made one great big change by moving to Brisbane, I can do others too but slowly and surely.

Oh, one more:

• Save for trip overseas end of 2011/beginning of 2012, especially road trip in the USA. I've long wanted to do that and I had been saving well for it but, like everything else, it got pushed aside. It's time to start planning for that again. Start focussing on one of the more enjoyable things I like: travelling. After that will come the rest of the world but I need to see my friend in the USA first. (Hi Kel!)

So. Pretty personal stuff because what if I don't keep these resolutions and it's all here - all these resolutions in public and I fail?

Oh well. I'm only human. I figure by making it so public and open, important people in my life will see my sincerity and determination to try. I've also lost enough time. This is not my year to shrug and say, "whatever". This is my year to say, "If I fall, I'll just get up again." Over and over.

Unfolding a new year